My ex and I were dating for nine months. He is my coworker and our relationship was secret. I thought he was in love with me as i was with him. There were some red flags which i ignored during the last month of being together. Then he dumped me because he beloved aunt got very sick an said he was very stressed and wanted to be alone. During the breakup he said a lot of **** like “i really love you, i care for you, you are important in my life, i want us to be friends etc”. At the time i was in shock and i declined the friendship, i was crying, confused and sad.
The two months that followed i was in shock. Seeing him everyday was devastating. I couldn’t eat, i couldn’t sleep, i was a shadow of myself.
I wanted to stand by him, i truly believed that his family drama was the reason of the breakup. I tried to be friendly, to keep the lines of communication open without begging him to come back. I thought that was just a crisis and i was willing to wait for him to feel better.
He didn’t string me along. Didn’t want to see me, didn’t ever initiate contact.
He was just polite at work and firm to his decision.
Then one day, i was talking with a coworker from my department. He told me a gossip, that my ex was flirting heavily with our coworker during the period before our breakup.
Long story short, they become a couple. They are not having an open relationship but a lot of people know it.
I was devastated once again. This girl was f*ing with my ex’s superior in order to get her to work to our company. This is a fact i know from my ex!!!!!
For a long time i lost my sense of self worth. I had panic attacks in the metro and while driving. Rejection was hard to digest. I realized i had illusions about him and our “relationship”.
My ex doesn’t know that i know about them. I deleted his phone and i stopped talking to him. Not even “hi” as we meet in the corridors. He doesn’t care and never asked me why. I don’t talk to her either. I was never fond of her anyway, my ex knew that.
It’s been a year since our breakup. I can’t move on. I feel numb. This situation has exhausted me emotionally. Although i feel better, i can’t stand seeing them everyday. I have a life, hobbies, friends and a loving family. I am not interested in dating, i feel so hurt. I am a 36 year old woman who can’t stand lying and cheating. He knew that, he promised to never hurt me, to be honest at all times. Oh, what a coward he is…. Now I just can’t trust my judgement in men.
The pain can’t go away. I am tired of being so angry with him and myself.
Thoughts of revenge alternate with deep sadness. My friends can’t understand why i still feel this way. the thing is…i can’t understand myself anymore.
Please…does it make sense to feel this way?